The Day I've Dreaded for 6 Months

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

It appears as though there is no more breastfeeding in our future. Things were a little worse with my supply than I let on in my previous post, I just didn't want anyone's negative comments or suggestions. I wanted to do this on my own and make the decision on my own. My supply was basically gone last week when I posted. I've been taking Fenugreek, Alfalfa, Omega Fatty Acids, and Prenatals. It equaled 27 pills a day. I started pumping every 2-3 hours, sometimes more and a power pump once a day which is where your pump for 10 minutes and rest for 10 minutes and repeat for an hour. All this equaled hardly any milk, maybe enough for a bottle a day. This weekend I started getting 1.5 to 2 oz total consistently, but that's not enough, I need at least 4. Logan still won't nurse for very long and gets frustrated easily and I don't really blame him. Yesterday we went to see the Lactation Consultant at the hospital. We did a before and after feeding weight checks. He only got 1 oz, he needed 4. He was a little distracted, but still nursed pretty well. She suggested a Supplemental Nursing System which we bought and tried out while we were there. A SNS is a bottle that your clip on your shirt that has a really small tube that comes out of the bottom which you tape to your breast and the tube goes into the baby's mouth while he's latched on. This gets him satisfied so he'll nurse for longer thus stimulating the breast to make more milk. Logan did not take well to it, but I thought it was because he missed his nap and was a little fussy to begin with. Turns out I was wrong. We tried it all day yesterday and again today and he will not have anything to do with it and if he does he just sucks on the little tube to get the formula out instead of nursing. My OB will not prescribe Reglan due to some other issues, so that's not an option.

I don't know what else to do. I really feel that I've tried everything. I know I've been really adamant about nursing for a year, it's only because I wanted to do right by Logan and do everything that I'm suppose to do and do it the right way. I already know now what not to do with the next baby. I know that introducing a regular bottle will definitely hurt the nursing relationship-in fact I should just throw all the bottles away when Logan is done with them, I know that I should find an extremely pro breastfeeding pediatrician that will not push formula, I know that I shouldn't think that refusal to nurse will just be a phase and my supply will recover once he starts nursing again, I know that LC's know a TON more about breastfeeding that pediatricians. I feel like this is all my fault by introducing the formula in the first place. I knew there was a thing called nipple preference but also knew that tons on mom's put their kids in daycare with bottle of breastmilk and they still nurse just fine. At the time I was just trying to help my baby feel better, I just wanted to fix him. I wanted him not to hurt and get some sleep. I was worn down and sleep deprived and just needed him to sleep. In retrospect, I should have consulted the Dr. to begin with. I had no clue it was his acid reflux, I truly thought it was something I was eating. If I'd taken him to the Dr. they could have diagnosed him properly and added any necessary medication and the formula wouldn't have been necessary. I shouldn't have taken things into my own hands. But now I cannot change it.

Looking back, there were only about 2 months that nursing was enjoyable and I miss that time so much. When he was first born he ate constantly and we were using the shield. The first two weeks were pure hell, then week 4 and week 6 were equally awful due to growth spurts. Then he continued to eat for 45 minutes every 2 hours until he was 14-16 weeks old. So basically I was nursing for an hour then had an hour off, then repeat. That's when we got off the shield. Everything was good for a month or so and that's when his acid reflux started getting bad complicating everything. It was all down hill from there. Even though it was so hard and challenging at times, it was so important to me that he be breastfed. I felt that it was my duty as a mom, especially since I'm lucky enough to stay at home with him. I plan on breastfeeding my next child and I plan on making it a year, I just hope nothing throws a wrench in my plan and I don't feel guilty for not nursing Logan for longer.

I don't feel as though I gave up or quit, I feel like I did everything in my power to continue nursing and it just wasn't happening, that doesn't mean I'm at peace with this, but hopefully I'll be more content in a few weeks. I think Logan is going to do fine with the formula. I gave him the best start possible and I'm glad I at least got him through winter and the flu season. He's happy and healthy, what more could I ask?